Most individuals perceive sexy people as “attractive,” “exciting,” “alluring,” and primarily concentrated on sexual appeal and pursuit. Media amplifies these perceptions, emphasizing the sexual nature of those who engage in provocative, thrilling, and captivating behaviors.
However, there are individuals who, despite lacking those conventional traits, are still regarded as very sexy by those who have been, or are currently, in romantic relationships with them. These genuinely sexy individuals may not necessarily possess physical attractiveness, youth, or seductive qualities, yet they consistently draw desirable partners throughout their lives.
After observing these intriguing individuals over a career spanning four decades, I can easily identify the common traits that these sexy people share. Whether inherent or learned, they consistently display a magnetic sexiness at every stage of life. Those who embody these qualities seem capable of attracting compatible and high-quality partners, even if they rarely exhibit what would typically be considered sexually successful traits. I invite you to consider the following ten behaviors to determine if they contribute to your attraction to others.
1. They Understand How to “Invite” and “Release”
Sexy individuals possess an intrinsic sense of interpersonal rhythm. They are adept at embodying both desire and desirability but can effortlessly detach when mutual attraction fades. They achieve this without any visible distress or need to “hold on.”
They are completely present and open while also able to walk away, making them simultaneously captivating and unattached. They invite engagement but are not needy, moving to their own beat while being open to a shared experience if it arises. This creates an environment where potential partners can choose to engage or not as the situation unfolds. With this freedom, their potential partners can allow their desire to grow in intensity without feeling pressured to respond.
2. They Don’t Cling to Outcomes
Sexy individuals dedicate time and energy to cultivating exciting and enchanting connections, but they permit these relationships to develop at their natural pace, only when both parties are mutually receptive. They do not push for connections that are not equally desired by their prospective partners.
Consequently, the outcome is shaped by the process itself rather than preordained. The partner of a sexy person never feels coerced or manipulated into a situation that they did not seek or realize was influenced inappropriately.
People who are unattached to predetermined outcomes provide their partners with the freedom to explore possibilities openly. They understand that successful relationships are organic and evolve as moments unfold.
3. They Are Slightly “Out of Reach”
Sexy individuals are somewhat elusive. Their behavior isn’t an attempt to manipulate situations or play games. They recognize that when a partner approaches them willingly, it is done so when they are ready, ensuring no boundaries are violated or vulnerabilities exploited.
Since they aren’t rushed or operating with a specific plan, they grant their partners the time necessary to observe and develop trust at their own pace. Though they maintain a certain distance, they remain genuinely interested and engaged, never needing to control the timing or nature of the connection.
People who are a bit out-of-reach inherently fascinate most individuals because they never make potential partners feel trapped.
4. They Are Playful
Sexy individuals have a playful spirit. They enjoy the possibilities of connection and revel in the experience rather than fixating on achieving a specific outcome. They find joy in dancing solo until a partner joins, having a wonderful time regardless of the other person’s participation.
Their penchant for whimsy, fantasy, and spontaneity allows them to embrace a “whatever happens—I’m enjoying myself” mindset, letting others decide whether to join in the fun.
Sexiness, playfulness, and mischief are deeply intertwined.
5. They Are Vibrantly Alive, Both Physically and Emotionally
Sexy people strive to maintain their physical health and fitness as much as possible. They honor their bodies, treating them with care and attention. They are attuned to what invigorates or drains them, and they dedicate themselves to preserving that balance.
They love movement, experience, exploration, and seeking out new opportunities. The world presents an enticing landscape to them, and that mindset radiates to everyone they encounter. They invite potential partners to delve into life’s richness, appreciating whatever is available in each moment.
6. They Are “Safe” Pursuers
Even when adopting a patient role, sexy individuals are not passive. They understand that people feel most alive when they are the ones initiating connections, but their “prey” should never feel threatened by being pursued. They can create an atmosphere where others feel cherished and wanted, yet still free to retreat if they wish.
Sexual arousal tends to be more intense in the pursuer rather than the one being pursued, unless the one being pursued is equally thrilled by the interactive game of chase and capture. They understand the thrill of either being caught or escaping, and they can switch roles at any moment, enhancing the appeal for both parties.
Strong sexual connections frequently follow this dynamic. It is part of human nature to engage in the play of exchanging control and being in control, which is a fundamental element of a meaningful sexual connection.
7. They Are Satisfied With Themselves
Attractive individuals are naturally comfortable whether they are with someone else or alone. They appreciate and cherish shared connections but do not depend on them for fulfillment. They refrain from keeping score, striving to win, or possessing another, because they feel whole regardless of their relationship status.
Due to their mindset, they are approachable for connections but do not seek anything in return. Nonetheless, they are selective and clearly communicate their boundaries from the beginning.
Content individuals can negotiate but have no need to dominate.
8. They Understand Their Partner
Attractive people are attuned to their partners’ desires and needs. Even if they don’t feel an automatic obligation to fulfill every request, they consistently monitor their partners’ emotional, sexual, and mental states, knowing what they require and can anticipate.
By genuinely tuning into their partners’ reality, they understand how to create comfort, desire, and respect. They recognize the importance of emotional and physical gestures that help their partners feel acknowledged.
Attractive individuals realize that their partners value feeling understood and appreciated, and they strive to be intuitively aware of what their partners want and need.
9. They Can’t Be “Purchased”
Attractive individuals cannot be forced, bought, controlled, or manipulated. They take pride in their ability to choose when, where, and with whom they wish to connect, and this self-awareness contributes to their confident demeanor.
As a result, those who seek their companionship understand that needing, pursuing, seducing, tempting, or demanding will not be effective. Attractive people own their choices, while being ready to engage passionately if the attraction is mutual.
Being non-buyable means they are non-exploitable and immune to manipulation.
10. They Can’t Be Captured
Attractive individuals know how to be fully present without implying automatic commitment for the future. They understand that their deeper feelings develop at their own pace, and they will not rush themselves into emotions they do not genuinely feel.
They do not pretend to be more available than they actually are, and they engage fully in their current experiences without fearing that their actions imply unintended promises.
They embrace the understanding that life exists solely in the moments of their experiences. Everything else is just memory or possibility. They wholeheartedly accept that living in the present moment is essential to what makes them attractive.
Sensual Versus Sexual: What Is the Distinction?
Sexuality and sensuality share many similarities but are not identical. What differentiates being sexual from being sensual, and how do they relate to one another?
“Sexual” is quite clear-cut: when people discuss sexual activity, they are usually referring to the process of physical intimacy among consenting adults. However, the term “sensual” is often mistakenly combined with “sexual.”
“I believe many people use ‘sensual’ to imply ‘sexual-light,’ whereas it’s helpful to remember that ‘sensual’ simply refers to ‘of the senses’—sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch,” explains Richard M. Siegel, PhD, a licensed mental health counselor and co-director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes in West Palm Beach, FL.
“Sensual” only means ‘of the senses’—sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch.” — Richard M. Siegel, PhD
In other words, engaging in sexual activity almost always involves sensuality—could you engage in sex without utilizing any of your five senses? But being sensual doesn’t necessarily equate to being sexual; it encompasses a broader spectrum.
You can choose to engage with your sensual side during a sexual encounter, during an intimate interaction that may not lead to sex, or purely for enjoyment without any sexual context.
“Sensuality encompasses how we perceive our own bodies, others’ bodies, and the surrounding world,” states Rosara Torrisi, PhD, a certified sex therapist, founding director of The Long Island Institute of Sex Therapy, and co-host of the podcast Our Better Half, which addresses sexuality and older adults. “As a sex therapist, I frequently assist people in reconnecting with their sensual selves.”
“Sensuality is a means to positively inhabit one’s body through pleasure, joy, fun, and celebration,” she notes. “Embracing your body can be a revolutionary act when you are not objectified or subjected to someone else, and you claim your pleasure and time.”
Reconnecting With Your Sensual Self
How can you reconnect with your sensual self, regardless of whether you wish for that sensuality to eventually evolve into sexuality? Begin by revisiting the essentials.
“Sensuality belongs to everyone, whether you are single, in a relationship, involved with multiple partners, or have never participated in sexual intimacy,” says Rosara Torrisi, PhD.
“Consider what brings you pleasure through touch,” Torrisi advises. “What aromas do you enjoy? What flavors do you relish? What sounds or music resonate with you? What visuals captivate you? The core of this is mindfulness. It involves being aware of your sensory experiences and finding enjoyment in your physical presence.”
Here are some suggestions to consider:
- Engaging in joyful movements. This could include dance, yoga, stretching, walking, jumping, or playing an instrument like the piano. Pay attention to the sensations within your body.
- Seek out beauty in your daily life. Perhaps it’s the flowers in a garden, a breathtaking sunset, or a piece of art. What visuals provide you with joy?
- Prepare a meal. It doesn’t need to be an elaborate gourmet feast. Even a simple batch of spaghetti sauce can awaken your senses of taste and smell. Take note of the fragrance of the onions, garlic, and spices. Savor the flavor of the tomato sauce. Enjoy the scents filling your kitchen.
- Explore touch. Be mindful of the various fabrics and textures, such as fur, feathers, wool, or suede, and how they feel against your skin.
“Experiment with different sensations, textures, and aromas to enhance your awareness of your body,” Torrisi suggests. Keep in mind that this exercise is solely about recognizing what brings you joy. It doesn’t need to progress to anything else.
“Sensuality is accessible to all, whether you’re alone, with a partner, with multiple partners, or have never experienced sexual intimacy,” Torrisi shares. “Your idea of sensual pleasure could simply involve wearing comfortable pajamas, enjoying a cup of tea in a tranquil home, and delighting in the view of your backyard. This also qualifies as sensuality. It provides a means to positively engage with your body.”
How Sensuality Can Improve Sexuality
Although sensuality and sexuality do not necessarily have to coincide, they often can. Moreover, sometimes concentrating on the sensual can enhance the sexual dimensions of your life, particularly when physical limitations are present.
Jane Fleishman, PhD, an educator in sexuality, emphasizes the sexual well-being of older adults residing in senior living facilities. “As their bodies change, they frequently need to redefine the meaning of sex and consider sensuality as another form of pleasure,” she explains. “The stimulation of sensuality may lead to a sexual encounter … or it might be precisely what we desire on its own.”
If you are with a partner, you could mutually decide to reconnect with your sensual sides to heighten desire and arousal, Fleishman notes.
For example, she highlights the sensual enjoyment of dancing to music in a well-lit and atmospheric environment. “You might also explore ‘body mapping’—gently touching every part of your body to rediscover what feels pleasurable and what does not,” Fleishman suggests. “For couples who have been together for an extended period and who have experienced challenges in their sexual relationship, this type of sensual touching can be an excellent way to rekindle connections.”