When seeking a new relationship through dating apps, introductions from friends, or chance encounters, you might find yourself pondering what to disclose during the initial stages of connecting with a potential partner.
There are indeed dependable layers of emotions, thoughts, personal details, and previous experiences that can assist you in determining when to open up about these aspects as you get acquainted with someone.
Each layer involves more vulnerability, so it’s important to ensure that the first level is established successfully before advancing to the next. You’ll also gather more insights about the other person as you progress through these levels, enabling you to adjust your approach as needed.
Level One: What to Disclose in the First Interaction
The key points to communicate during the initial moments of meeting someone new are the positive aspects of your life. Share some of your most cherished experiences, adventures, significant individuals who have deeply influenced you, and what holds the most significance for you in your life.
Avoid discussing past relationships negatively, whether it’s feeling wronged, explaining how things haven’t turned out as expected, or expressing anxieties about the future. You don’t want to attract someone who feels they need to rescue you.
If the individual you’re with reciprocates positively, you’re on the right path. However, if they dwell on complaints about how life has treated them or justify their negative outlook, they might expect you to play the role of rescuer to improve their situation. This isn’t a healthy foundation for a relationship, especially if you’ve encountered this before.
Be mindful of what you seek and watch for any warning signs that could indicate future disappointment: rigid opinions that clash with your beliefs, blaming former partners, lack of accountability for past mistakes, or objectifying you can all signal potential deal-breakers.
Level Two: Share What You Can Contribute and What You Require in a Relationship
Ideally, you have gained valuable insights about yourself through past relationships. It’s essential to express what you have learned about yourself throughout your dating journey and what kind of person you believe you would thrive with. Demonstrating self-respect and clarity will communicate that you have grown from your experiences and are open to further growth.
At every stage, ensure that the person you are confiding in appears to appreciate your sharing of these essential aspects about you and is eager to reciprocate. Look for areas where your lives intersect and how they differ. Inquire about and discuss other current significant relationships.
If things are progressing well, ask that person what they feel they could have improved in their prior relationships and share your own reflections on this. Discuss how and why those relationships concluded and the feelings surrounding those outcomes.
Caveat: This might also be the moment to consider becoming sexually involved, if you haven’t already. Being open about any sexually transmitted diseases is vital for fostering future trust. While this admission might end the relationship, discovering it later will lead anyone involved to question what else might not have been disclosed, making it difficult to rebuild trust afterward.
Level Three: Talk About Childhood Trauma and Its Impact on Your Relationships
Everyone has endured challenging or distressing experiences in their past. What you have experienced often involves individuals who were meant to guide and protect you but failed to do so or simply didn’t care. Regardless of how much therapy you have sought to address your childhood pain, encountering triggers in the form of words, phrases, sounds, people, or places that remind you of past hurt will inevitably affect you. A future partner should be made aware of this, just as you should understand theirs.
Informing your partner about what may trigger you and how they can respond differently can significantly foster trust within the relationship. This understanding can prevent you from facing past distress and help avoid mistakenly connecting them with someone from the past who could evoke prior hurt or feelings of helplessness.
If both partners invest in understanding each other’s triggers, they can potentially aid in healing old traumas. Even during disagreements, when those traumas surface, you can comfort one another instead of simply focusing on resolving the immediate issue.
Tier Four: Embrace Critique and Foster New Growth
As you establish genuine trust with your new friend, you’ll hopefully develop a bond where you can openly challenge each other, helping to transcend any limitations and shielding one another from the judgments of those who don’t care as deeply. Partners in thriving relationships create a sense of safety while avoiding indulgence. They serve as reliable mirrors and unwavering supporters of each other’s personal development.
Learn about and candidly express the traits you admire in your friend, as well as the qualities that might become bothersome over time. Invite feedback and engage with it by seeking specific examples and preferences. Aim to avoid making assumptions or taking things personally that are not directed at you. Differentiate between sincere apologies that result in change and those that merely serve as excuses.
Assist each other in healing from past unresolved relationships and in forging new connections with other couples who share the same commitment to growth and dedication that you are now fostering together. Surrounding yourselves with like-minded individuals is essential for maintaining the trajectory of your relationship as it expands and deepens in trust and love.
How to build trust through shared values, mutual support, vulnerability, and growth
Every partner I’ve encountered in a relationship desires to rely on the other during difficult times. When that expectation is violated, the relationship struggles to flourish.
While each couple has its own interpretation of what it means to rely on each other, they generally can’t succeed without the inclusion of the following five trust pillars.
Pillar 1: Shared Commitment to the Same Values
Robust and established cultural traditions help individuals act in ways that respect those who came before them and future generations. However, in modern Western societies, such wise figures may be distant or not valued as sources of guidance. The growing diversity also leads to varying interpretations of right and wrong for each couple. It’s essential for each partnership to determine the beliefs and actions that align with them, adhering to those standards regardless of physical presence.
“I have complete trust in my partner because we are aligned on how we conduct our relationship. We share the same principles and hold each other accountable if either of us deviates from what serves us well. We both agree that negative surprises are unacceptable and would never betray one another.”
“I would never impulsively act in a way that jeopardizes our relationship. I hold my partner in high regard and would never do anything to damage our mutual trust. It’s about honoring a sacred bond. We function under a unified standard because that’s the only approach that works.”
Pillar 2: Emphasis During Emergencies
Partners in a committed relationship need to consistently decide how to allocate their shared resources like time, availability, finances, and options. Sometimes, it means that their relationship may take a back seat temporarily; however, when one partner needs support, nothing else holds importance.
“Both of us have full-time jobs and must manage our household and children while also honoring our commitment to the community. This can lead to significant time apart. But if either one is overwhelmed or facing a crisis, everything else is secondary. We will be there for each other immediately, without hesitation.”
“My partner would never exploit me. When we commit to something, we follow through. Since we only ask for help when it’s truly necessary, we fully trust one another not to take advantage of the situation. When the ‘I need you’ signal goes off, we prioritize each other right away.”
Pillar 3: Honoring Sacred Vulnerability
Committed partners invite each other into their most delicate and intimate experiences. As trust develops between them, they reveal past traumas and vulnerabilities. They mutually understand that these revelations will remain confidential unless shared with permission.
“I finally opened up to my partner about being molested in my childhood. I needed assurance that my secret and shame would remain confidential unless I chose to share it. I trust that commitment completely.”
“When our first son arrived, I confided in my partner about having left a child behind as a teenager due to my youth and fear. Though I haven’t heard from that child, I’ve always worried about the possibility of contact. I am confident that my secret is secure with my partner.”
Pillar 4: Parent/Child Dynamic
We embody all the ages we’ve ever experienced, and certain triggers can evoke painful memories that transport us back to those moments. In those instances, we don’t merely act our age; we genuinely feel as if we are that age, reliving the trauma.
When this occurs for either partner, the other responds as a compassionate, nonjudgmental figure, allowing the trauma to surface without condemnation.
“When my brother passed away in the accident, I couldn’t suppress my tears. It was incredibly challenging for me to let my guard down and express that level of pain. I felt embarrassed and afraid of looking foolish. My partner created a safe space for me to fall apart and never made me feel weak for doing so.”
“I learned to retreat into myself as a child whenever I felt pain because no one was there for me. My partner understands that my withdrawal isn’t personal and patiently waits for me to re-emerge when I feel secure. This trust is helping me to remain present and resist the urge to flee.”
Pillar 5: No Ownership of the Other
Believing that your partner would never wish for you to stay if you could genuinely find greater fulfillment elsewhere is the essence of true loyalty. If one partner starts feeling confined within the relationship, both should strive to allow space for those emerging needs so that the desire to leave fades away. However, if leaving becomes necessary and one partner must go, there should be no attempts to keep them through obligation or guilt.
“We got married at a young age and both sacrificed a lot for our careers in medicine. Then, one day, I realized I wanted to contribute to the world in a larger way and informed my partner of my intention to join Doctors Without Borders. I understood this would bring a painful upheaval to our family, but I simply couldn’t continue as I was. I worried that my partner might try to prevent me from pursuing this path, but that never happened. Our love was too strong to let our relationship obstruct a deep personal calling like that.”
“We started this journey together in our youth and evolved alongside each other. We both agreed that nothing would ever hinder our commitment to one another and our shared aspirations. I noticed my partner growing increasingly distant, yet I sensed it wasn’t about our relationship. After much discussion, we came to the realization that my partner’s heterosexual relationship was no longer satisfying for them. I understood that we needed to separate, but I have never felt bitterness or rejection—only the belief that we had to honor our destinies for everything to align properly for us.”