To make their lives easier, most women think it’s better just to let their partners believe what they want to believe. And that’s how women started faking orgasms. You may think you are a beast in the sheets, but I assure you, dear men, that your girl has faked an orgasm at least once in her life. And if you bought her act, oh well! If you were to ask me, a woman faking her orgasms does no good to her or the man she is with. After all, practice makes perfect, and there’s nothing more fun than practising a hot bout of sex, is there? Ladies, stop faking it, ‘cause you deserve the pleasure, so don’t hesitate to make your man work for it. My dear gentlemen, to make your life easier, I have decided to bless you with my wisdom. So, here are a few signs that your woman is faking her orgasms.
There’s quite a bit of drama
Unlike porn, most real-life women don’t orgasm with harmonised and measured sighs, looking like a rumpled goddess. There’s going to be awkward faces, embarrassing sounds, and breathlessness. If her reaction sounds too good to be true, it likely is.
She “comes” when you repeatedly ask her to
Let’s be honest, darling, orgasming on demand seems to be something only Anastasia Steele, Christian Grey and other fictional characters can manage, especially when that demand is repeated. If you repeatedly keep telling your girlfriend to “come for you”, or keep asking her if she orgasmed, she’ll just say yes to shut you up. Working well under pressure is meant for the boardroom, not the bedroom. So, stop pressuring your partner into having the Big O. It’ll just be disappointing.
She gives you an awkward smile
Imagine you are lying there looking like the cat who ate the canary after what you think was the best sex of *her* life, and she is giving you an awkward smile, trying to look anywhere but at you. Unless you just had a one-night stand with a random girl who just realised what sex is for the first time in her life, it’s a clear sign she faked her orgasm.
Her enthusiasm is off the charts
If you find your partner being overly enthusiastic, making you think “There’s no way I could make her react like that”, you are probably right. There really is no way you could have her so ecstatic unless she is putting on an act, especially if she is someone who isn’t usually enthusiastic. She is just trying to make you feel like whatever you are doing is working and trying to hurry you up.
She starts directing you
You thought you knew your way around your girlfriend’s lady bits, didn’t you? Suddenly, she is telling you to add a little pressure here or hold a little tighter there while you are scratching your head, wondering what’s happening. I’ll enlighten you. Your girl is tired of your moves and of faking her orgasms, and she wants the real deal. So, gentlemen, listen to her directions and take her to O-town. She deserves it, and you deserve to witness the real thing too.
It’s wonderful that you’ve found someone who you feel comfortable with and can see a potential future with them! Based off your question, it seems that you really want to get this off your chest and tell your boyfriend the truth about your challenges orgasming but are scared of how he may respond. Breaking any sensitive news to your partner can be a nerve-racking experience, but by taking some time to figure out how to approach this topic with him can help make this conversation seem less daunting and allow for you to articulate how you’re feeling.
You’re not the only person who has been concerned about being honest for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. In fact, research has been done regarding balancing out kindness with honesty. Many people avoid having honest conversations because they are concerned they may hurt someone’s feelings, create an uncomfortable environment, or fear what the consequences of that conversation may be. However, research indicates that in many instances, people aren’t always the greatest at predicting the outcomes of these conversations. When they actually have these conversations, they find that instead, partners actually became closer. Knowing this information may help you as you choose to approach your boyfriend about your experiences. Although the conversation may be hard, honesty doesn’t have to come at the cost of kindness or have to become a wedge in your relationship. In fact, it may bring you both together.
Before starting a conversation with your boyfriend, it may be useful to plan out what you want to say. One way you could start is by mentioning your own hesitations about telling him about your challenges orgasming, as well as your reasons for why you chose to exaggerate your orgasms with him. You can even try adapting what you wrote here in your question, as it might help you get started on figuring out what you want to say and how. Finding a time outside of the bedroom, when you have the time and space to speak privately, will also help the conversation. It’s possible that he could have a variety of reactions to this information. Will he be upset about being lied to, about not being able to please you, or about something else? Will he be able to talk about it right away, or will he need space and time to think? When you’ve said what you need to say, be prepared to listen or to postpone the conversation until he has formulated his reaction. Letting him know about not orgasming may cause some bumps in your relationship as you both go through the process of expressing your needs and feelings, but it provides a path forward for honest communication.
Furthermore, you may find it helpful to know that you’re not alone in this, as many people have trouble orgasming through penetrative sex. People have varying definitions of “sex,” but having an orgasm isn’t the be-all-end-all indicator that you’ve had a good time. You can talk about all of the sexual experiences the two of you have shared that you have enjoyed. Additionally, it may be comforting to remind him of all the things you enjoy and love, both in your relationship and in your bed.
It’s also not quite clear from your question whether or not you’re able to orgasm by yourself or from sexual activities that don’t involve penetrative sex. If you’d like to try to orgasm during penetrative sex, you may find trying a few different techniques helpful. If you haven’t already, you might want to consider masturbation, as this may be able to help you learn more about yourself and what pleasures you. If you’re able to orgasm by masturbating, then you may want to consider incorporating some of the techniques from your solo-sex sessions while you’re having penetrative sex with your boyfriend. You can also learn to arouse and pleasure yourself in ways that reflect the touching or sensations you receive from your boyfriend during sex.
The “orgasm gap” leaves a lot to be desired
After penetration, most men climax within four minutes, less if masturbating. The female orgasm requires more work, taking up to 30 minutes of clitoral stimulation unless she’s got one hell of a toy arsenal, a lot of experience, or a very skilled partner. Generally speaking, the difference between how long it takes people to come is referred to as an “orgasm gap.” And that’s still assuming both people are eventually going to be able to have an orgasm, which we all know is no guarantee.
For a woman who knows she isn’t going to get off, faking her orgasm early on (like, around the time her partner is having his orgasm) can make so-so sex end in a fifth of the time. Which means it can be a useful hand to play. Not that I’m suggesting anyone play games between the sheets (unless they’re the kind that make foreplay extra steamy).
Letting bad sex go uncorrected is creating other problems
“Women have been faking orgasms for years to speed up the end of sex,” says Kelly Connell, sexuality educator and counselor at NaughtyNorth.ca. “Many times… what their partner is doing is not giving them what they need to orgasm, although they still may find it pleasurable.”
But just tolerating mediocre or even bad sex is a terrible idea! “When you’re hoping that sex ends and are disengaged from the experience, you are dissociating,” says Rhonda Milrad, LCSW, founder and chief relationship advisor of Relationup and an ABS-certified clinical sexologist. “Even though this sexual experience is consensual, by feeling dissociated from the experience, you feel the strangeness and awfulness of having something sexual done to you that you don’t want to be occurring.”
Faking orgasms creates a negative feedback loop
To end the cycle of faking orgasms, all parties must find their voice in the bedroom and speak up.
“If you fake it once and he thinks what he is doing is working, he will continue to do what he thinks will work next time,” says Connell. If something feels good, give your partner props and reinforce the behavior. Know that it’s perfectly OK to stop a consensual sex experience if it isn’t doing it for you. Ditto for not coming at all. Sex is all about creating boundaries.
The bottom line is that your sex life can only benefit if your partner understands how to please you — and vice versa. The sad truth is that for most of our lives, women’s orgasms have been put second to men’s, if not considered downright superfluous.
Whether you want to spare his feeling or make it stop, please, for the love of female pleasure everywhere, stop pretending that you had one.
In my perfect world, women come first and never, ever feel the need to fake it.