At some point in life, many couples wonder and ask themselves, “What is the average amount of sex that other couples are having?” And though the answer is not perfectly clear, sex therapists have said many things about this very topic. Here is what they say, as well as some additional tips to help you get your sex life on track!
The Average
There is some question among sex therapists about what the true average is for couples in committed relationships. The answers can range from once a week to once a month! When Ian Kerner, PhD, was asked how he responds to couples who ask him how often they should have sex, he said, “I’ve always responded that there’s no one right answer.
When couples stop having sex, their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce.
After all, a couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors: age, lifestyle, each partner’s health and natural libido and, of course, the quality of their overall relationship, to name just a few
So while there may be no one right answer to the question of how often couples should have sex, lately I’ve somewhat been less equivocal and advise couples to try to do it at least once a week.” According to David Schnarch, PhD, through a study conducted with more than 20,000 couples, he found that only 26% of couples are hitting the once-a-week mark, with the majority of the respondents reporting sex only once or twice a month, or less!
However, another study, printed in The University of Chicago Press about 10 years ago, stated that married couples are having sex about seven times a month, which is a little less than twice a week. And in a third study, it was reported that out of the 16,000 adults interviewed, the older participants were having sex about 2 to 3 times per month, while younger participants said they were having sex about once a week.
Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
Most sex therapists agree that having sex less than 10 times a year is reason enough to label your marriage a sexless one. However, a lack of sex does not mean your marriage is in trouble, according to Schnarch. While sex may be the way couples typically express their love and desire for each other, a lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean that you are headed for a break-up, though it is something that you should get a handle on. Dr. Kerner says, “Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list; but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become ‘good friends’ at best, or ‘bickering roommates’ at worst.”
How to Sync Your Sex Drives
There are a lot of factors that need to fall into place to make sex something you are desiring. In many couples, a difference in opinion can be a problem. Al Cooper, from the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, says, “In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex.
“If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes, but probably a bit less than the other likes.” – Dr. Gail Saltz
No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.” As with every issue in a relationship, sex and the frequency at which you have it requires compromise.
It may seem like a large mountain to climb, when you think of all the other things you deal with on a daily basis. Laundry, work, cooking meals, cleaning, and other tasks often seem more important than a quickie with your partner; but sex can become fun again! Kerner says, “Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump; but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it. The old adage ‘use it or lose it’ has some truth. So does my suggestion, ‘try it, you’ll like it.’”
At first, it might mean scheduling sex and making the time that leads up to the sex more intimate. Hug each other each day, exercise to increase your testosterone levels, and turn off the distractions, like the computer and TV. If you are still having problems with being able to engage in intimacy, seeing a sex therapist may really help you and your partner land on the same page!
What constitutes a happy sex life?
Whether you’ve been in your relationship for 30 days or 30 years, you may have concerns about your sex life together as a couple.
Having a happy sex life has been linked to everything from better heart health to better relationship health. But what constitutes a happy sex life?
Some people believe a good sex life is based on how often the two of you have sex. Others believe multiple or mutual orgasming is the key.
In truth, none of these things are vital to a happy sex life.
There’s no magic number when it comes to quantity. What does matter is that each partner feels safe and comfortable, and they’re having pleasurable sex.
What’s significant is a couple’s ability to communicate with each other about the type of sex they want to have.
Let’s look at ways of improving your sex life together, and how that may also improve the quality of your relationship.
How to talk to your partner about sex
Sometimes it can feel difficult, but talking to your partner about sex is an investment in your relationship. Here are ways for speaking effectively:
- Schedule time in advance to talk about sex. By putting this conversation on your agenda, you eliminate the possibility that this talk will arise out of anger or frustration.
- Discuss what’s working and what’s not. Many problems that couples experience in the bedroom can be rectified by talking it out. Find ways to compromise so you both feel safe and heard.
- Make suggestions to your partner about what you would like. Positive suggestions often work better instead of complaining about the things they’re already doing or not doing.
- Be honest about what you want. However, don’t talk your partner into anything they’re not comfortable trying. Also don’t allow your partner to do the same to you.
- Be open to each other’s ideas. Be willing to compromise on them, too, so that both of you feel heard and get what you need.
- Be clear and honest. This will prevent less room for miscommunication. Don’t make your partner have to read between the lines. If you want something but are uncomfortable verbalizing it, try writing it down instead.
Happy sex tips
Improving your sex life takes work and planning. Contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t cause the romance to be taken out of it. In fact, working on your sex life together as a couple can be a good way to put the romance back into your relationship.
Don’t hold on to anger
Anger is a normal part of life. Sometimes people even have angry sex. But unmanaged anger can squelch sexual desire, trust, and connectivity. It can be hard to feel tender, loving, or sexual toward someone you’re angry at.
If you’re angry at your partner, find healthy ways to work out that emotion and to let it go. This may be as simple a fix as talking over situations as they arise that upset you.
In some instances, this may require the support of a therapist or mediator.
Explore your own body
Experimenting with masturbation can be a good way for you to learn about what you like and dislike sexually in a safe and comfortable way.
Some couples also find that masturbating together is arousing and a beneficial way to learn about each other’s bodies.
Don’t fake it
Sometimes it might feel easier to fake an orgasm or your desire instead of talking out why it didn’t work for you this time.
You may want to avoid hurting your partner’s feelings. You may also just want to get it over with if you’re exhausted or can’t shut off your mind.
But this can be detrimental to both your intimacy and ability to improve on your sexual encounters together.
Being honest about your sexual experience with your partner can make you feel vulnerable, exposed, or embarrassed. It is, however, a good way to get the conversation going about your sexual needs so they can be addressed and met.
Don’t skimp on foreplay
In movies, two people may eye each other across a crowded room and be ready for sex with nothing more than one hurried, albeit passionate, kiss.
In real life, it rarely works that way. Foreplay is often an integral part of getting ready for other types of sex.
The type of foreplay you engage in is also important. Help your partner learn where you like to be kissed and how you like to be touched. Talk about what arouses both of you. Provide plenty of it before moving on to next steps.
Don’t skimp on afterplay
The time you spend together after you have sex is important, too.
If you immediately fall asleep or jump out of bed and away from your partner after having sex, you’re losing out on an opportunity to get closer to each other and forge greater levels of intimacy.
Talking, cuddling, or holding each other after sex is a way you validate your relationship and let your partner know they’re important to you.
This type of intimacy is important for your relationship and for each other’s self-esteem. It also helps set the stage for better, more connected sex in the future.
Get in sync about timing
No one’s sex life remains static. In the early stages of your relationship, you may have sex several times a day or week. Later on, how often you have sex may lessen for many reasons, including the addition of children into your lives, stress, and scheduling.
Libido also changes over time. Scheduling sex may sound like a turnoff, but for many couples, it sets a framework they can count on and look forward to.
It’s important that you establish a schedule you both agree to. This may require reprioritizing other tasks in your life and setting them aside for each other. It may also require compromise if one of you wishes to have sex more often than the other.
Scheduling sex also reduces the fear of having one of you repeatedly turn down the other when not in the mood.
Set the stage all day
If sex is on your agenda for the evening, build up each other’s anticipation and desire during the day. You can do this by sending each other sexy texts or photos. Consider sharing passages from a sexually explicit novel you both enjoy.
Build up your own sense of anticipation and arousal by letting your mind wander to the night’s forthcoming activities, too.
Experiment
There’s a vast array of sexual activities you may explore as a couple, provided that both of you are comfortable. These can include everything from the use of toys and erotica to bondage sex, tantric sex, and more.
Edgy or kinky sex isn’t, however, the key to a happy sex life. Mixing it up can be as simple as wearing different types of clothing or choosing new locations to have sex.
It may also include the use of new positions and types of sex, such as oral sex, mutual masturbation, and anal sex.
Experimenting with new ways to give you both pleasure can be a wonderful experiment in couple’s closeness, provided you discuss and agree on the things you’ll try.
Address health concerns that might be hurting your sex life
As people age, bodily changes may make sex painful or difficult.
Menopause may cause vaginal atrophy and dryness.
Changes in hormonal levels can include reductions in testosterone production. This can reduce sexual desire and cause erectile dysfunction.
Medications may diminish libido or make it harder to orgasm.
If you’re having difficulties with sex that are associated with a health condition, talk to your partner and to your doctor.
Benefits of having a happy sex life
Sexual satisfaction has been linked to multiple health benefits. The type of sex you have may affect the benefits you get. Here are just some of the benefits:
- Working on your sex life can increase feelings of desire and improve libido.
- Sex releases feel-good hormones like endorphins, helping to alleviate stress.
- A happy sex life can deepen your feelings of intimacy with your partner.
- People who enjoy sex with their partner experience increased happiness and more satisfaction with life.
- Sex is a form of exercise and can improve cardiovascular health.
- Vaginal sex increases the flow of blood to the vagina, reducing vaginal atrophy.
- Vaginal sex can also help strengthen vaginal muscles, reducing pelvic floor dysfunction.
- Frequent ejaculation may help prevent prostate cancer.
Takeaway
A happy sex life takes communication and work. Sexual satisfaction is one way to increase overall enjoyment with life. It also helps couples stay connected emotionally.